i AM gone
by ksd101
Summary: pg13 for suicidal thoughts and language(not much) Its what harry thought after sirius's death. sorry its so short i know i shouldnt post it but im bored


They all said I would get over it. Of coarse it has been six months now. And still that night haunts me and at night I lie under the stars searching for him. Hoping to find him. I haven't most likely never will. Till I'm dead and gone. I remember that night clearly as if I was there. I can't shut my eyes without going back. I watched him go through the vial. That horrid vale. I saw his face go from humor to realization to fear. I remember screaming for him. Over and over again and again. He never answered. I remember how even as I screamed his name I knew he was gone. Still I feel denial every once in a while. The Dursleys had no clue why I was so pissed and easy to break. They always did try to break me I never was so easy. Now though they say the littlest things about my life and I feel like I want to kill myself. I can't though the whole world still rests on my now weak and worn shoulders. Sometimes I even go as far as holding a knife to my wrists. Then I think of all my friends and there families and the joy Voldemort would hold. Oh god what I would do if he was happy. I then think I wouldn't care when I was dead, but I never do it. Last weak something happened though. Something that made the Dursleys steer clear of me.  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
"Boy! Get down here! NOW!" yelled my uncle.  
  
"What do you want?" I had asked in a vulnerable whisper. The look of surprise he had. I was surprised to. Also disgusted with my self. I did not show it though. His look disappeared just as quick as it appeared and whatever he was trying to pull before came back.  
  
"We want to know what is up with you! You do you chores then go to bed you don't eat you don't talk and. and. and. your not your self!" He had yelled so loud that I thought my ears would fall off of coarse, this didn't happen. I couldn't believe he actually cared. But I got my answer. "The only reason we let you stay here is because we were forced and you do chores. We need you alive!"  
  
I stood there with white-hot rage flowing through me until the dam I had built broke.  
  
"YOU DON'T CARE! YOU WOULDN'T CARE! THE WHOLE WORLD NEEDS ME ALIVE! ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! IF I DIE." I went on in a deathly whisper. " If I die each and every one of you will die. AND SAME FOR THE WHOLE DAMNED WORLD!" my face was red and a tomato by now, but I kept on my ranting back to my fierce whispers.  
  
"Voldemort killed my parents and he will kill you and the rest of the world once I'm dead. Or I could choose to stay alive, I could kill him and you will live happily ever after on this damned earth! Now what should I choose? FRANKLY RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANY ONE!"  
  
END OF FLASH BACK  
  
I was mad. No not mad Pissed. Unstable. Still unstable. Ron and Hermione are worried. Along with them are Lupin, Dumbledore, and Hagrid. The only one of them that has sent me more than two owls is lupin by his third he seemed quite mad.  
  
Harry Potter!  
  
Look I know you are grieving and mourning the loss of Sirius. I WAS too. You're not the only one who lost him. Me, I did he was my last best friend. I've lost a lot too. So Harry if you don't answer this I'm coming.  
  
Lupin  
  
It was more of a note. But hey! Well I wrote him back. I've been really emotional lately.  
  
Remus Lupin!  
  
You know what I don't care. I don't care if he was your friend I don't care if my dad or Peter was your friend. Or even if you come down here and kill me! Because you know what I have been wishing I were dead since he died. Face it I lost more then you I have more responsibilities then you. I've seen more then 80-year-old men. Don't you dare tell me how to feel, and when to stop feeling it!  
  
Potter  
  
I just sent it yesterday. Haven't received any more letters. I think that should shut him up. Its almost start of term, but I'm not sure if I'll go. Hermione & Ron will ask if I'm any better. And I'll lie and say yeah. Then they'll give each other looks like 'he's lying' then being as unstable as I am now I'll get pissed and rip them apart with my ranting that I have been doing for so long. I do not wish to see friends or even people. I like the way I am living now. Oh yes I'm living inside my head. No one is here. Not the dark lord or death eaters, not the daily profit trying to bring me down. Nothing just me and my thoughts. Oh hey look, I see Lupin got my letter. Thought he was angry last time. Wait! It's tearstained. Oh great here come my easy to snatch guilt. Ron is right I care about people to much.  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
Bye.  
  
What? Wait what is that? That's- that looks like blood. Wait no. No. No. No. No. No. He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Would he? 


End file.
